Dreaming of Atlantis
It's cold in Chicago today. No, it's damn cold in Chicago today. The last few days we've had lots of snow and everything's covered in feathery whiteness. Don't get me wrong--I love snow. I love the cleanness of fresh snow, I love walking through it and getting it in my shoes. This doesn't mean I dislike shoveled sidewalks, however, and I wish more people in this area would clear them so that when I walk dogs I'm not in danger of keeling over every three feet or so. But that's a whole other issue.
It's during this time of year when I start to dream about warm, sunny climes and sandy beaches. After all, Christmas is over and the cheerful bustle of the holidays has left us for another year. The cold and snow starts to wear on my nerves. Oh, there are compensations. The zoo is wondrous this time of year because all the animals are thrilled to be alone. I get to see animals that hide during the peak summer times with all the screaming kids and exasperated parents. Shopping is fun again because the malls are no longer teeming with people.
My favorite place to dream about is Atlantis. It's a huge resort on Paradise Island in the Bahamas, for those who have never been fortunate enough to visit. I went there for my honeymoon, and we loved it so much we bought a timeshare and try to go back every year. Okay, it's a bit Las Vegas-like. The three hotels are on a huge scale, and they really encourage you not to leave the resort. But it's so beautiful that you don't want to go anywhere anyway. The pools are plentiful and varied, and there are these waterslides all over the place that make the place playground-like as well. It's really best just to sit back and enjoy the sun. I can imagine the green-and-white striped chairs now--the feel of the sun on my face--the hot concrete beneath my feet--the splash of kids in the pool. Ahh.
There's something about a tropical vacation that just relaxes you immediately. I love visiting new cities, parks and countries, but going to a place with palm trees, sunshine and friendly people can't be beat. The nice thing about Atlantis is that there's stuff to do--but not too much. I can go see the fish, or rent a jet-ski, or visit the dolphin encounter place, or visit the gym. Or I can just sit back and do nothing. That's the best part.
So, while the snow blows around me and the temperature dips to a chilly -15 degrees, I'll just close my eyes and take myself to another place. Wish I was there now.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
On Self-Help
In my past incarnation as a magazine writer, one of my jobs was to slog through the piles of self-help books we received and figure out if any of them was worth excerpting. These were books about diets, about love, about being more assertive, about the rules of relationships, about sex. I must have read hundreds of these. After a while I figured out that there are three major types of self-help books, none of which are particularly helpful.
1. Books on things you should know already. Stuff like How To Keep Your Relationship Intact and Get The Job You Want. The main way these books are helpful is that they organize your thinking if you have common sense. If you don't have any common sense, these books basically tell you what to do.
2. Books on things that go completely against common sense and are designed to be controversial. These books include the one about the Atkins diet, and The Rules of Marriage. These books don't make any sense at all, but people think there must be something to them. There isn't. End of story.
3. Books by celebrities designed to boost their TVQ and their popularity in general. Often these books aren't much different than the books about stuff you should know already, but because they're written by celebs they somehow get more credence. Actually, most of the time they're written by ghostwriters anyway. Dr. Phil's book is an example of this type.
Okay, I understand that most people in this country of ours needs help. Many of them aren't smart enough to claw their way out of a paper bag, so they need people to tell them things like, "You must communicate with your spouse." And sometimes, when you see words written down that say, "Don't call the guy within three days of a date," you actually think, Hmm, that sounds reasonable. But think about this stuff for a moment. Eating steak every day will make you thin? Yeah, and it will give you a heart attack and high cholesterol to boot.
Maybe I'm just jealous because I have these critical thinking skills my teachers instilled into me back in my high school years, and I wish, oh, don't I wish, that I could just listen to someone tell me what to do to make my life perfect and I could just follow that person and suddenly my life would be perfect, without any hard thinking on my part. Someone else could bear the burden and I, like a mindless animal, would just do and be happy. This is the same reason I'm jealous of people who have religion.
But I can't. I read the rules of marriage and I think, this is all about manipulation. You can't have a good relationship with someone based on playing juvenile games. Why do people think this is a good idea? I read about how to marry a rich guy and I'm like, okay, not only does this book give really stupid advice but it's based on a stupid premise--that you want to be a subservient little bitch with nothing to do except sit around and laugh at everyone who is unluckier than you.
Okay, I'm being mean-spirited. I know that a few of the books on marrying the rich are actually pretty helpful when it comes to teaching women how to have the self-esteem to marry in their own class and such. Still, come on. Please tell me that there's more to life than marriage to a rich guy. And that some of us can handle our own relationships without approval from strangers.
We are a very self-centered society. Somewhere along the way we decided it was okay for us to look inward and think about nothing but ourselves--our pain, our love, our dreams. We over-analyze, we obsess. Self-help books cater to a segment of our society who can't solve anything by themselves and who are happy to learn that others share the same problems.
In my past incarnation as a magazine writer, one of my jobs was to slog through the piles of self-help books we received and figure out if any of them was worth excerpting. These were books about diets, about love, about being more assertive, about the rules of relationships, about sex. I must have read hundreds of these. After a while I figured out that there are three major types of self-help books, none of which are particularly helpful.
1. Books on things you should know already. Stuff like How To Keep Your Relationship Intact and Get The Job You Want. The main way these books are helpful is that they organize your thinking if you have common sense. If you don't have any common sense, these books basically tell you what to do.
2. Books on things that go completely against common sense and are designed to be controversial. These books include the one about the Atkins diet, and The Rules of Marriage. These books don't make any sense at all, but people think there must be something to them. There isn't. End of story.
3. Books by celebrities designed to boost their TVQ and their popularity in general. Often these books aren't much different than the books about stuff you should know already, but because they're written by celebs they somehow get more credence. Actually, most of the time they're written by ghostwriters anyway. Dr. Phil's book is an example of this type.
Okay, I understand that most people in this country of ours needs help. Many of them aren't smart enough to claw their way out of a paper bag, so they need people to tell them things like, "You must communicate with your spouse." And sometimes, when you see words written down that say, "Don't call the guy within three days of a date," you actually think, Hmm, that sounds reasonable. But think about this stuff for a moment. Eating steak every day will make you thin? Yeah, and it will give you a heart attack and high cholesterol to boot.
Maybe I'm just jealous because I have these critical thinking skills my teachers instilled into me back in my high school years, and I wish, oh, don't I wish, that I could just listen to someone tell me what to do to make my life perfect and I could just follow that person and suddenly my life would be perfect, without any hard thinking on my part. Someone else could bear the burden and I, like a mindless animal, would just do and be happy. This is the same reason I'm jealous of people who have religion.
But I can't. I read the rules of marriage and I think, this is all about manipulation. You can't have a good relationship with someone based on playing juvenile games. Why do people think this is a good idea? I read about how to marry a rich guy and I'm like, okay, not only does this book give really stupid advice but it's based on a stupid premise--that you want to be a subservient little bitch with nothing to do except sit around and laugh at everyone who is unluckier than you.
Okay, I'm being mean-spirited. I know that a few of the books on marrying the rich are actually pretty helpful when it comes to teaching women how to have the self-esteem to marry in their own class and such. Still, come on. Please tell me that there's more to life than marriage to a rich guy. And that some of us can handle our own relationships without approval from strangers.
We are a very self-centered society. Somewhere along the way we decided it was okay for us to look inward and think about nothing but ourselves--our pain, our love, our dreams. We over-analyze, we obsess. Self-help books cater to a segment of our society who can't solve anything by themselves and who are happy to learn that others share the same problems.
Monday, January 19, 2004
Friday, January 16, 2004
Top Five Things I'd with My Free Time--If I Had Some
Everyone has a list like this, even if it's not written down. Of course, half the stuff I probably wouldn't actually do, in favor of lazing around in front of the TV. Today is a short day because I have many many things to do.
1. Play more video games. It's a good outlet--you get to bash bad guys, or grow turnips, or whatever--and meanwhile you're stimulating your mind. There's a real sense of accomplishment in finishing a game or winning a major battle. And Dance Dance Revolution would get me some exercise at the same time.
2. Cook more. Right now I'm a pretty okay cook. I make chili, I bake cookies, black bean dishes, stir-fry, apple pie, honey butter, that sort of thing. I even whip my own cream. But there are things that intimidate me, like creme brulee and anything that flames. And cooking can get expensive. It would be fun to learn how to be a world-class chef, even if most of the time I'm too tired to actually do that. And to know things like if you put garlic in hot oil it releases the flavor, whereas if you put garlic in cold oil it seals the flavor in. Gotta love the Food Network.
3. Watch anime. I love Japanese animation. Where I shun American sitcoms and dramatic series, I'll sit in front of 96 half-hour episodes of a romantic comedy as long as it's anime. The science fiction pieces are great fun, too. It's hard to explain to people who don't get it instantly--I love the continuing stories, the unabashed weirdness, the crazy characters, the adultness of it all. Cartoons in the U.S. are too much geared towards kids. It's too bad.
4. Read all my technical manuals. I have all these gadgets with all sorts of cool functions, but I don't know how to use them properly. For example, I got a keyboard for Christmas. Of course it's easy to use a keyboard--just plunk the keys and make a little music. But what I don't understand about my keyboard is what all the little buttons do. How to record a song I'm playing, how to add a little drumbeat to the background. I could say the same thing about my computer, my walkie-talkies, my video game consoles, my convection oven, my Game Boy, my stereo, my TV, my Tivo....
5. Go sledding. At the moment all the snow is melting, but if I could organize my free time to coincide with a nice, foot-tall snow, I'd love to try it. I never have, somehow. Even at Wellesley College, where there are some beautiful hills, I never got the chance. I hope I will eventually.
Have a nice weekend!
Everyone has a list like this, even if it's not written down. Of course, half the stuff I probably wouldn't actually do, in favor of lazing around in front of the TV. Today is a short day because I have many many things to do.
1. Play more video games. It's a good outlet--you get to bash bad guys, or grow turnips, or whatever--and meanwhile you're stimulating your mind. There's a real sense of accomplishment in finishing a game or winning a major battle. And Dance Dance Revolution would get me some exercise at the same time.
2. Cook more. Right now I'm a pretty okay cook. I make chili, I bake cookies, black bean dishes, stir-fry, apple pie, honey butter, that sort of thing. I even whip my own cream. But there are things that intimidate me, like creme brulee and anything that flames. And cooking can get expensive. It would be fun to learn how to be a world-class chef, even if most of the time I'm too tired to actually do that. And to know things like if you put garlic in hot oil it releases the flavor, whereas if you put garlic in cold oil it seals the flavor in. Gotta love the Food Network.
3. Watch anime. I love Japanese animation. Where I shun American sitcoms and dramatic series, I'll sit in front of 96 half-hour episodes of a romantic comedy as long as it's anime. The science fiction pieces are great fun, too. It's hard to explain to people who don't get it instantly--I love the continuing stories, the unabashed weirdness, the crazy characters, the adultness of it all. Cartoons in the U.S. are too much geared towards kids. It's too bad.
4. Read all my technical manuals. I have all these gadgets with all sorts of cool functions, but I don't know how to use them properly. For example, I got a keyboard for Christmas. Of course it's easy to use a keyboard--just plunk the keys and make a little music. But what I don't understand about my keyboard is what all the little buttons do. How to record a song I'm playing, how to add a little drumbeat to the background. I could say the same thing about my computer, my walkie-talkies, my video game consoles, my convection oven, my Game Boy, my stereo, my TV, my Tivo....
5. Go sledding. At the moment all the snow is melting, but if I could organize my free time to coincide with a nice, foot-tall snow, I'd love to try it. I never have, somehow. Even at Wellesley College, where there are some beautiful hills, I never got the chance. I hope I will eventually.
Have a nice weekend!
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Technology Is An Amazing Thing
Back in 1995, I was a student at Columbia Journalism. I remembering deciding to take the just-added new media course, to learn about ways the Internet might be used to report news. At the time my experience with the Internet was limited. We'd had email at Wellesley College, where I did my undergrad work, but I don't remember utilizing my computer for much more than that. I remember being awed at the possibilities this new online world could provide for us, in a short time. And wondering what form journalism would take in the future.
When I graduated from Columbia, I went straight from school to an online editor job. I spent the next five or six years on the Internet, exploring new sound and video technologies, writing html, reviewing websites, even working for a dot com in an experiment to see what retailing would work on the Web...would my company make it? Unfortunately, no. And after leaving the dot com, I went back into traditional journalism at a magazine company. Now it's been three years since I worked online, at least professionally. But what an exciting time to be working on the 'Net! Trying to figure out what works, what doesn't. Course we didn't always choose the right path, the software that was eventually going to become the industry standard, but it was fun playing with them. You know, I even beta-tested Windows '95.
Today, I'm terribly behind and uninformed. Sure, I can write html. I can scan, upload and edit photos, I can edit sound files, I can even edit video files. I can update my website and all that. But everyone's been surging ahead of me while I was playing with the Pentium 2 that we bought four years ago--which I thought was just fine. Now everyone has these cool digital cameras that show you the picture right on the screen! They have color Palm Pilots that can organize your life like crazy (I used to have one myself but the dog chewed it up).
So I finally got smart and bought a new computer. It's totally amazing. Now I have so much memory on my brand new hard drive I'm devising new ways to fill it. For example, you can get these amazing little gadgets called iPods, which hold up to 20,000 songs. I think that might even be half of my husband's CD collection. My printer is five times as fast as the old ones. I'm even uploading my photos to the Internet so that I have them stored in a couple of places for safety's sake.
There's so much stuff out there now it's hard to keep up. It seems like every week there's this new cool thing, like Blackberry, which I Must Have (and will probably Never Get). And if I bought a new computer in 6 months it'd probably have double the power and capacity of my current model. But it's a lot of fun. It may take me six months longer to discover the cool gadgets than the cool people. since I'm no longer hooked up, but what the hell. I'll just enjoy the ride for now.
Back in 1995, I was a student at Columbia Journalism. I remembering deciding to take the just-added new media course, to learn about ways the Internet might be used to report news. At the time my experience with the Internet was limited. We'd had email at Wellesley College, where I did my undergrad work, but I don't remember utilizing my computer for much more than that. I remember being awed at the possibilities this new online world could provide for us, in a short time. And wondering what form journalism would take in the future.
When I graduated from Columbia, I went straight from school to an online editor job. I spent the next five or six years on the Internet, exploring new sound and video technologies, writing html, reviewing websites, even working for a dot com in an experiment to see what retailing would work on the Web...would my company make it? Unfortunately, no. And after leaving the dot com, I went back into traditional journalism at a magazine company. Now it's been three years since I worked online, at least professionally. But what an exciting time to be working on the 'Net! Trying to figure out what works, what doesn't. Course we didn't always choose the right path, the software that was eventually going to become the industry standard, but it was fun playing with them. You know, I even beta-tested Windows '95.
Today, I'm terribly behind and uninformed. Sure, I can write html. I can scan, upload and edit photos, I can edit sound files, I can even edit video files. I can update my website and all that. But everyone's been surging ahead of me while I was playing with the Pentium 2 that we bought four years ago--which I thought was just fine. Now everyone has these cool digital cameras that show you the picture right on the screen! They have color Palm Pilots that can organize your life like crazy (I used to have one myself but the dog chewed it up).
So I finally got smart and bought a new computer. It's totally amazing. Now I have so much memory on my brand new hard drive I'm devising new ways to fill it. For example, you can get these amazing little gadgets called iPods, which hold up to 20,000 songs. I think that might even be half of my husband's CD collection. My printer is five times as fast as the old ones. I'm even uploading my photos to the Internet so that I have them stored in a couple of places for safety's sake.
There's so much stuff out there now it's hard to keep up. It seems like every week there's this new cool thing, like Blackberry, which I Must Have (and will probably Never Get). And if I bought a new computer in 6 months it'd probably have double the power and capacity of my current model. But it's a lot of fun. It may take me six months longer to discover the cool gadgets than the cool people. since I'm no longer hooked up, but what the hell. I'll just enjoy the ride for now.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Goodbye to Willow on Wagner
Last night my husband and I decided to go to dinner. We'd been looking forward to this pretty much all day--a meal at Willow on Wagner. We drove there only to discover that Willow on Wagner was closed. Forever, according to the sign on the rope that blocked us from the parking lot. Forever!
This is a supper club, in a residential part of Glenview, that has been open for something like 80 years. Okay, maybe it's a little passe. I mean, the times we've eaten there the place has been filled with people over 60 or under 10. The decor was a touch dated, the furniture sort of bland. But the food (regular American fare) was outstanding--everything homemade, lots of comfort food, terrific salads. And people both at the bar and in the restaurant always seemed to be having a good time.
A bit of research once we arrived home netted a few facts. The family that owns Willow on Wagner decided to downsize their holdings. Another local business bites the dust. In its place eight homes will be built--huge ones, with something like 16,000 square feet apiece. That neighborhood, as we found on our drive through, is tear-down central. Every other lot is a house that's been torn down to make way for a new, larger home.
Apparently the restaurant was closed in October. We don't get the local community paper (although I'd been thinking about subscribing for some time) so we didn't even know. Now I wish we had, so we could have visited one more time before the place shut down for good.
I'm as much for progress as the next person, and I'm not afraid of change. That doesn't mean I'm happy about the closing of a restaurant I envisioned as a family tradition--my husband's family ate here when he was young, and I thought my kids might eat there with us in future years. Now that will never happen. I'll never taste that incredible salad dressing again, or those ribs, or that crispy delicious fried chicken, or that delectable baked spaghetti...okay, now I'm making myself hungry.
Time to accept it and move on. But I wanted to write this, so that I can remember it as a lesson: all things must pass. Even 80-year-old institutions with a reputation for excellence and a loyal, hungry following. With any luck, in another 80 years, the strip malls and generic chains that have replaced family businesses like Willow on Wagner will start to wane as well. To make way for something new.
Last night my husband and I decided to go to dinner. We'd been looking forward to this pretty much all day--a meal at Willow on Wagner. We drove there only to discover that Willow on Wagner was closed. Forever, according to the sign on the rope that blocked us from the parking lot. Forever!
This is a supper club, in a residential part of Glenview, that has been open for something like 80 years. Okay, maybe it's a little passe. I mean, the times we've eaten there the place has been filled with people over 60 or under 10. The decor was a touch dated, the furniture sort of bland. But the food (regular American fare) was outstanding--everything homemade, lots of comfort food, terrific salads. And people both at the bar and in the restaurant always seemed to be having a good time.
A bit of research once we arrived home netted a few facts. The family that owns Willow on Wagner decided to downsize their holdings. Another local business bites the dust. In its place eight homes will be built--huge ones, with something like 16,000 square feet apiece. That neighborhood, as we found on our drive through, is tear-down central. Every other lot is a house that's been torn down to make way for a new, larger home.
Apparently the restaurant was closed in October. We don't get the local community paper (although I'd been thinking about subscribing for some time) so we didn't even know. Now I wish we had, so we could have visited one more time before the place shut down for good.
I'm as much for progress as the next person, and I'm not afraid of change. That doesn't mean I'm happy about the closing of a restaurant I envisioned as a family tradition--my husband's family ate here when he was young, and I thought my kids might eat there with us in future years. Now that will never happen. I'll never taste that incredible salad dressing again, or those ribs, or that crispy delicious fried chicken, or that delectable baked spaghetti...okay, now I'm making myself hungry.
Time to accept it and move on. But I wanted to write this, so that I can remember it as a lesson: all things must pass. Even 80-year-old institutions with a reputation for excellence and a loyal, hungry following. With any luck, in another 80 years, the strip malls and generic chains that have replaced family businesses like Willow on Wagner will start to wane as well. To make way for something new.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Imitating Jane Austen
Okay, I admit it. I'm a Jane Austen junkie. I've read every single one of her books--at least three times--and I keep a collection of her novels in the kitchen so I can read them whenever I sit down for a snack. It's true that I enjoy her stories because they're all escapist tales of love that avoid serious topics end up happily for the heroines. But Jane Austen is much more than that. Though sometimes I wish she'd written more, I have through experience learned to avoid books written by others as sequels to Austen's books or romances set in the Regency period.
Many of these well-meaning authors have picked up on a supporting Austen character, like Georgiana in Pride and Prejudice or Jane in Emma, and made her the heroine of her own story. Or they've simply continued their favorite unfinished Austen tale. The problem is that no one can copy Austen, and I've often put books down in disgust because they try to imitate her phrasing (verbatim!) as well as her characters. To a writer, and someone who knows Austen's novels as well as I, this is just lazy and it practically screams out "I can't do it right!" Meanwhile, a bunch of stupid romance stories have been written in the Regency period to evoke the atmosphere that Jane Austen created in her tales. The problem is that these writers can't copy Austen's wit.
What makes Jane Austen's stories so brilliant is her characters. They seem alive. Sometimes I think she must have had a pretty low opinion of human nature to create such people--sometimes I believe that she simply had an amazing sense of humor and was able to translate it to the page in a way few can. Her characters are comic in startling ways, and it is this quality that makes them so real and so familiar. Her imitators completely miss the point.
Take a character like Mrs. Norris from Mansfield Park. She is a busybody who dislikes heroine Fanny because she's not wealthy, but there is so much more to her. Austen fleshes out her character with events, anecdotes and telling dialogue, as when Mrs. Norris' pride in making a match between her niece and Mr. Rushworth blinds her to the actual unsuitablity of the match. But Austen also gives her character life with smaller comic scenes, like one in which her brother is visiting with Fanny's adopted family for the first time in years and Mrs. Norris can't sit still despite William's harrowing tales--she must be disturbing everyone in search of a spool of thread. She has to be bustling about something, getting attention somehow. It's a small scene, but one that brings up humorous images and is very revealing about Mrs. Norris.
Very few of Austen's imitators seem to get this--or, if they do, they just aren't capable of writing it down. These authors write more straightforward stories about love, and they miss the detail that would elevate their stories from pale imitations to worthy successors of Austen. It's too bad, because I would dearly love someone who had Austen's caustic wit to write books like hers. The only one I felt even came close, The Watsons as finished by John Coates, was written by a man.
Which, I admit, makes me wonder (and here I am going to betray my gender) if a man could write Jane Austen clones better than the female romance writers that have been tackling them to date. After all, a male author (or at least a female who doesn't read romance novels) might focus more on the other elements of Jane Austen that makes her great and less on shameless kissy-kissy relationship stuff. Because it isn't the love story that elevates Jane Austen from common novelists. If it was, every ninny could write like her.
Okay, I admit it. I'm a Jane Austen junkie. I've read every single one of her books--at least three times--and I keep a collection of her novels in the kitchen so I can read them whenever I sit down for a snack. It's true that I enjoy her stories because they're all escapist tales of love that avoid serious topics end up happily for the heroines. But Jane Austen is much more than that. Though sometimes I wish she'd written more, I have through experience learned to avoid books written by others as sequels to Austen's books or romances set in the Regency period.
Many of these well-meaning authors have picked up on a supporting Austen character, like Georgiana in Pride and Prejudice or Jane in Emma, and made her the heroine of her own story. Or they've simply continued their favorite unfinished Austen tale. The problem is that no one can copy Austen, and I've often put books down in disgust because they try to imitate her phrasing (verbatim!) as well as her characters. To a writer, and someone who knows Austen's novels as well as I, this is just lazy and it practically screams out "I can't do it right!" Meanwhile, a bunch of stupid romance stories have been written in the Regency period to evoke the atmosphere that Jane Austen created in her tales. The problem is that these writers can't copy Austen's wit.
What makes Jane Austen's stories so brilliant is her characters. They seem alive. Sometimes I think she must have had a pretty low opinion of human nature to create such people--sometimes I believe that she simply had an amazing sense of humor and was able to translate it to the page in a way few can. Her characters are comic in startling ways, and it is this quality that makes them so real and so familiar. Her imitators completely miss the point.
Take a character like Mrs. Norris from Mansfield Park. She is a busybody who dislikes heroine Fanny because she's not wealthy, but there is so much more to her. Austen fleshes out her character with events, anecdotes and telling dialogue, as when Mrs. Norris' pride in making a match between her niece and Mr. Rushworth blinds her to the actual unsuitablity of the match. But Austen also gives her character life with smaller comic scenes, like one in which her brother is visiting with Fanny's adopted family for the first time in years and Mrs. Norris can't sit still despite William's harrowing tales--she must be disturbing everyone in search of a spool of thread. She has to be bustling about something, getting attention somehow. It's a small scene, but one that brings up humorous images and is very revealing about Mrs. Norris.
Very few of Austen's imitators seem to get this--or, if they do, they just aren't capable of writing it down. These authors write more straightforward stories about love, and they miss the detail that would elevate their stories from pale imitations to worthy successors of Austen. It's too bad, because I would dearly love someone who had Austen's caustic wit to write books like hers. The only one I felt even came close, The Watsons as finished by John Coates, was written by a man.
Which, I admit, makes me wonder (and here I am going to betray my gender) if a man could write Jane Austen clones better than the female romance writers that have been tackling them to date. After all, a male author (or at least a female who doesn't read romance novels) might focus more on the other elements of Jane Austen that makes her great and less on shameless kissy-kissy relationship stuff. Because it isn't the love story that elevates Jane Austen from common novelists. If it was, every ninny could write like her.
Monday, January 12, 2004
An Ode To Video Games
I was nine years old when my family got Space Invaders. I remember this clearly, because the first night we got it my sister and I stayed up until 11 p.m. or something like that playing it, and then we were forced to go to bed. When we got up at 6 a.m. to continue playing it, we discovered our dad had pulled an all-nighter in front of the Atari. I remember many hours mastering Night Driver and Circus Atari, and battling it out with my sister on Combat! And over the years, video games have provided me with many hours of high-tech fun. From the very first Zelda game to Animal Crossing, I've always found much joy in playing video games.
Today, 22 years later, I still love games. Did I mention that I'm a girl? The gaming industry has matured a lot since I was nine. I'm no longer any good at video games--I do much better on retro versions of Asteroids than current Mario adventures. My mind is not particularly linear, so sometimes it takes me three times as long to figure out a puzzle as my husband. There are lots more buttons on the controllers, the storylines are much more sophisticated, the graphics are stunning--and I love every minute of it.
If I could only impart to you the excitement of entering a new game world--one that has its own laws, its own brilliant characters and polygon beauty. I used to get a thrill through my old bones when I was playing Duke Nuke'em and could see my own bloody footprints behind me. Realistic water effects make me happy; computer-generated sunlight shining through the trees in a Final Fantasy game can take my breathe away. The level of detail on some games, like the Nintendo 64 classic Goldeneye, can make me weep with joy. And gameplay? Don't even get me started.
Back in Atari days, my favorite games consisted of balls or people jumping up and down on platforms. If I aimed them well, they'd break through the balloons at the top of the screen and give me points. Today's games are so much more than that. They're about solving riddles, developing characters, getting to the end of an adventure with a plot that can be as complex as a Tolstoy novel (need an example? Go play Morrowind).
And the variety! Take a game like the Sims, which puts characters in a world much like your own. You can make your person a secretary, a criminal, a party animal, and control the life choices she makes. Then take The Two Towers, which is hugely difficult and brings fantasy heroes Aragorn, Legolas and others through catastrophic events in the halls of the Dead. Or even Pokemon, a game that lets you collect cute little animals and duke it out with other cute little animals to gain experience points.
What makes me perplexed is, why doesn't everybody love video games? There's something for everyone. Whether its Tetris, or Halo, or Resident Evil, or Tekken, everyone can find something to their taste. It's like the movies. If I don't want to see "Chicago" perhaps I'll go to "Big Fish" instead. I'm looking for a world that doesn't see games as strange, or on the edge, or whatever strange hang-ups they have. Don't like adventure games? Pick up a copy of Dance Dance Revolution instead. Don't like long, plot-filled role-playing games with lots of puzzles? Pick up a first-person shooter (I recommend Halo). Easy as that. Think video games are sexist? Well, some of them are. There are some movies that are sexist too (see: Anything with Michael Douglas in it) , and very few people remark on Hollywood's right to make such stupid films. Half of those are racist to boot. Think games are violent? I challenge you to find one bit of violence in Animal Crossing.
Video games rock. They show what's cutting-edge in technology. They tell amazing stories that resonate in our hearts and minds. They allow us to clear our minds by entering someone else's world for awhile. They're escapist in the same way reading a book is escapist--except that you use your brains and improve your hand-eye coordination to boot. Need to beat up on someone who vexes you? Need a dragon slain? You can do these things figuratively or physically in video games. I think we'd all be better off if we played them more often.
I was nine years old when my family got Space Invaders. I remember this clearly, because the first night we got it my sister and I stayed up until 11 p.m. or something like that playing it, and then we were forced to go to bed. When we got up at 6 a.m. to continue playing it, we discovered our dad had pulled an all-nighter in front of the Atari. I remember many hours mastering Night Driver and Circus Atari, and battling it out with my sister on Combat! And over the years, video games have provided me with many hours of high-tech fun. From the very first Zelda game to Animal Crossing, I've always found much joy in playing video games.
Today, 22 years later, I still love games. Did I mention that I'm a girl? The gaming industry has matured a lot since I was nine. I'm no longer any good at video games--I do much better on retro versions of Asteroids than current Mario adventures. My mind is not particularly linear, so sometimes it takes me three times as long to figure out a puzzle as my husband. There are lots more buttons on the controllers, the storylines are much more sophisticated, the graphics are stunning--and I love every minute of it.
If I could only impart to you the excitement of entering a new game world--one that has its own laws, its own brilliant characters and polygon beauty. I used to get a thrill through my old bones when I was playing Duke Nuke'em and could see my own bloody footprints behind me. Realistic water effects make me happy; computer-generated sunlight shining through the trees in a Final Fantasy game can take my breathe away. The level of detail on some games, like the Nintendo 64 classic Goldeneye, can make me weep with joy. And gameplay? Don't even get me started.
Back in Atari days, my favorite games consisted of balls or people jumping up and down on platforms. If I aimed them well, they'd break through the balloons at the top of the screen and give me points. Today's games are so much more than that. They're about solving riddles, developing characters, getting to the end of an adventure with a plot that can be as complex as a Tolstoy novel (need an example? Go play Morrowind).
And the variety! Take a game like the Sims, which puts characters in a world much like your own. You can make your person a secretary, a criminal, a party animal, and control the life choices she makes. Then take The Two Towers, which is hugely difficult and brings fantasy heroes Aragorn, Legolas and others through catastrophic events in the halls of the Dead. Or even Pokemon, a game that lets you collect cute little animals and duke it out with other cute little animals to gain experience points.
What makes me perplexed is, why doesn't everybody love video games? There's something for everyone. Whether its Tetris, or Halo, or Resident Evil, or Tekken, everyone can find something to their taste. It's like the movies. If I don't want to see "Chicago" perhaps I'll go to "Big Fish" instead. I'm looking for a world that doesn't see games as strange, or on the edge, or whatever strange hang-ups they have. Don't like adventure games? Pick up a copy of Dance Dance Revolution instead. Don't like long, plot-filled role-playing games with lots of puzzles? Pick up a first-person shooter (I recommend Halo). Easy as that. Think video games are sexist? Well, some of them are. There are some movies that are sexist too (see: Anything with Michael Douglas in it) , and very few people remark on Hollywood's right to make such stupid films. Half of those are racist to boot. Think games are violent? I challenge you to find one bit of violence in Animal Crossing.
Video games rock. They show what's cutting-edge in technology. They tell amazing stories that resonate in our hearts and minds. They allow us to clear our minds by entering someone else's world for awhile. They're escapist in the same way reading a book is escapist--except that you use your brains and improve your hand-eye coordination to boot. Need to beat up on someone who vexes you? Need a dragon slain? You can do these things figuratively or physically in video games. I think we'd all be better off if we played them more often.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Lessons from a Cat
A cat's life is pretty cushy, if you ask me. My husband says that he thinks people, if they're really good in life, get reincarnated as housecats. As a pet-sitter, I get to go to people's homes and see how spoiled many cats really are. As a cat owner, I can always look at my two boys (George and Beasley) and see how good they have it. So here are the life lessons I've learned from my kittens.
1. Seventeen hours of sleep per day is about right.
2. Eat, sleep, play. Repeat. This will keep you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
3. Warm places are the best places to hang out, especially if it's dark inside.
4. You can charm any creature, including the animals outside, if you're patient and use your most pitiful voice. Then pounce.
5. Just about anything can be accomplished if you cry long enough in the right place. Eventually, someone will feel sorry for you and do what you want.
6. Being curious is a virtue. How else will you ever find anything out? Boxes are especially interesting.
7. The key to survival is being cute. Fortunately, all cats are.
8. Be comfortable. If you're not comfortable on the newspaper, there's that nice couch over there. Being comfortable helps you to be happy.
9. Take life as it comes. Don't worry about that vacuum cleaner till it comes into your room. Then you can run away.
10. Everyone is equal. Each individual has the right to cater to your every need.
Happy Friday. See you all next week.
A cat's life is pretty cushy, if you ask me. My husband says that he thinks people, if they're really good in life, get reincarnated as housecats. As a pet-sitter, I get to go to people's homes and see how spoiled many cats really are. As a cat owner, I can always look at my two boys (George and Beasley) and see how good they have it. So here are the life lessons I've learned from my kittens.
1. Seventeen hours of sleep per day is about right.
2. Eat, sleep, play. Repeat. This will keep you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
3. Warm places are the best places to hang out, especially if it's dark inside.
4. You can charm any creature, including the animals outside, if you're patient and use your most pitiful voice. Then pounce.
5. Just about anything can be accomplished if you cry long enough in the right place. Eventually, someone will feel sorry for you and do what you want.
6. Being curious is a virtue. How else will you ever find anything out? Boxes are especially interesting.
7. The key to survival is being cute. Fortunately, all cats are.
8. Be comfortable. If you're not comfortable on the newspaper, there's that nice couch over there. Being comfortable helps you to be happy.
9. Take life as it comes. Don't worry about that vacuum cleaner till it comes into your room. Then you can run away.
10. Everyone is equal. Each individual has the right to cater to your every need.
Happy Friday. See you all next week.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
The Thing About Ephedra
I am going to break away from my usual fluff and discuss a more political topic today, because it's been bothering me lately. Of course it all started with the banning of ephedra, also known as ma huang.
Back in the day I worked for a fitness-geared dot com called mvp.com. I worked with a nutritionist to put up content on sports-related products. She was great--the first one who explained to me exactly why the Atkins diet was stupid. One day we were instructed to put up an informational guide on nutritional supplements because we were selling them on the site. The nutritionist was not happy about this, but we did it.
To assuage her conscience, we agreed upon a format that included three sections for each supplement: Definition, Claim and Risks. And we made it very very clear that there were dangers. In fact, I quote myself here: "Although some studies support the advertised effects of nutritional supplements, others do not. If you want to start a program using supplements, be sure you know the short and long-term health risks associated with them, including how they react with certain medications. Be aware that serious side effects, both known and unknown, may occur. Always consult a doctor before using supplements." We added warnings at the beginning of the guide and at the end, where we noted that pregnant women and athletes under the age of 18 should cease and desist.
See, the thing is, the nutritional/herbal supplement lobby in Washington D.C. is very powerful. Do you doubt what I say? Then consider this. The Food and Drug Administration in this country is not allowed to regulate herbal medicines like ephedrine, because back in 1994 there was a law passed that said supplements could be sold as long as they were safe. This means that if you pick up a bottle of gingko, it doesn't have to tell you that you can't take aspirin with it because both drugs thin the blood and you could have increased risk for strokes and internal bleeding. It doesn't have to tell you that actually, most of the stuff in the gingko bottle is probably dust from the manufacturing room floor.
Yet so many people today turn to herbal drugs like ephedrine, St. John's Wort and all sorts of crazy things to enhance performance, help keep them alert and lose weight. This, despite the fact that the drugs (and their risks) haven't been fully researched and most of the evidence supporting it is anecdotal--not scientific. Herbs can be harmful--the defense that they're "natural" doesn't wash. If you don't believe me, go roll around in a clump of poison ivy.
Here's the thing. Herbal medicines like ephedrine, or for that matter, hemp, can be useful if regulated. Banning ephedrine is stupid, although at least it means that someone recognizes that letting companies sell this stuff willy-nilly it is a bad idea. What we should do is get all the herbs under some ruling that allows us to test and regulate herbs the same way the FDA tests and regulates drugs. This way, we can stop people from selling green tea drinks that have a bit of ginseng in them but not any of its active ingredients. And we can tell people to stop using St. John's Wort if they're pregnant. Is that so wrong?
As for ephedra itself: I understand the Zen monks used it to encourage concentration, that it's been successfully used to treat allergies and asthma and that it suppresses the appetite as well as cigarette cravings. I'd love to see studies done to see how and if it works. I'd hate to see it go underground, which is what will happen now. As for enhancing athletic performance, I tend to be of the school that says, stay away from artificial enhancers. It's just wrong and it's not worth the risk. As my nutritionist coworker and I noted: "As a rule, nothing improves your athletic performance more than hard work, training, recuperation and a healthy diet." So there.
I am going to break away from my usual fluff and discuss a more political topic today, because it's been bothering me lately. Of course it all started with the banning of ephedra, also known as ma huang.
Back in the day I worked for a fitness-geared dot com called mvp.com. I worked with a nutritionist to put up content on sports-related products. She was great--the first one who explained to me exactly why the Atkins diet was stupid. One day we were instructed to put up an informational guide on nutritional supplements because we were selling them on the site. The nutritionist was not happy about this, but we did it.
To assuage her conscience, we agreed upon a format that included three sections for each supplement: Definition, Claim and Risks. And we made it very very clear that there were dangers. In fact, I quote myself here: "Although some studies support the advertised effects of nutritional supplements, others do not. If you want to start a program using supplements, be sure you know the short and long-term health risks associated with them, including how they react with certain medications. Be aware that serious side effects, both known and unknown, may occur. Always consult a doctor before using supplements." We added warnings at the beginning of the guide and at the end, where we noted that pregnant women and athletes under the age of 18 should cease and desist.
See, the thing is, the nutritional/herbal supplement lobby in Washington D.C. is very powerful. Do you doubt what I say? Then consider this. The Food and Drug Administration in this country is not allowed to regulate herbal medicines like ephedrine, because back in 1994 there was a law passed that said supplements could be sold as long as they were safe. This means that if you pick up a bottle of gingko, it doesn't have to tell you that you can't take aspirin with it because both drugs thin the blood and you could have increased risk for strokes and internal bleeding. It doesn't have to tell you that actually, most of the stuff in the gingko bottle is probably dust from the manufacturing room floor.
Yet so many people today turn to herbal drugs like ephedrine, St. John's Wort and all sorts of crazy things to enhance performance, help keep them alert and lose weight. This, despite the fact that the drugs (and their risks) haven't been fully researched and most of the evidence supporting it is anecdotal--not scientific. Herbs can be harmful--the defense that they're "natural" doesn't wash. If you don't believe me, go roll around in a clump of poison ivy.
Here's the thing. Herbal medicines like ephedrine, or for that matter, hemp, can be useful if regulated. Banning ephedrine is stupid, although at least it means that someone recognizes that letting companies sell this stuff willy-nilly it is a bad idea. What we should do is get all the herbs under some ruling that allows us to test and regulate herbs the same way the FDA tests and regulates drugs. This way, we can stop people from selling green tea drinks that have a bit of ginseng in them but not any of its active ingredients. And we can tell people to stop using St. John's Wort if they're pregnant. Is that so wrong?
As for ephedra itself: I understand the Zen monks used it to encourage concentration, that it's been successfully used to treat allergies and asthma and that it suppresses the appetite as well as cigarette cravings. I'd love to see studies done to see how and if it works. I'd hate to see it go underground, which is what will happen now. As for enhancing athletic performance, I tend to be of the school that says, stay away from artificial enhancers. It's just wrong and it's not worth the risk. As my nutritionist coworker and I noted: "As a rule, nothing improves your athletic performance more than hard work, training, recuperation and a healthy diet." So there.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Common Sense in Everyday Life
It's always amazing to me how many people seem to have no idea how to function in this world. So, to help them out, I've put together a nice list of things you should know in order not to annoy me.
1. If it's labeled as "alternative medicine," it probably doesn't work. This includes aromatherapy, qigong and homeopathy. Alternative medicine is often based on outdated concepts that have only anecdotal success. Try your M.D. instead.
2. If it's a diet that seems to good to be true, it probably is. The only way to lose weight--and keep it off--is to watch your portions and to exercise. And, if you're doing the Atkins diet, please note that all that fatty protein you're ingesting may eventually give you a heart attack.
3. On an expressway, the shoulder is for emergencies only. I call the shoulder the "asshole lane" because in any traffic jam, you can tell who the idiots are because they're speeding by you in the asshole lane. Not only is this dangerous, because there could actually be a car stopped in the asshole lane, it's illegal and it raises the road rage level of everyone you're speeding past. This makes you responsible for all the violence that occurs on the highway. Nice job!
4. Communication with other cars is good while you're driving. It only makes sense to turn on your blinker if you're planning to make a left turn. And, it speeds things up because you're not delaying cars who aren't sure what you're doing yet. It's also one of the things truly good drivers do. Plus, it really isn't that difficult. You move the little stick down to signal left, and you move it up to signal right.
5. Keeping control of your children is a sign of good parenting. Don't let them chase the dogs, track mud all over the house or yell and scream at will. I understand perfectly that kids will be kids, but there are certain things you can do to make sure they don't grow up to be serial killers. And also, don't lose them at the park or leave them in your car while you work all day. Follow instructions posted at the zoo--they're up there for a reason. They're trying to keep kids from being torn apart by baboons. Don't show your stupidity.
6. Politeness is a lost art. Be nice to people already. Don't do it because you can get points with God if you do--just do it because it's good. Besides, you catch more flies with honey. Trust me. Being good has its own rewards.
7. Voting is good. I think it's sad that more people care about the "American Idol" results than the election results. I don't care what happens to those lame pop singers. I do care what happens to this country. The way we affect change is to vote. And so many people don't do it. It's so easy. And even if you don't think your vote counts--if you think this country is worth it, you should vote.
8. Keep your promises and honor your commitments. If you say you're going to do something, do it! People aren't going to trust you if you constantly renege on your commitments. Untrustworthy people suck. A sense of honor and integrity seems rare today, so try to cultivate it.
9. An open mind is a glorious thing. Don't be so rigid in your thinking that you can't accept new ideas. Learning is a life-long process; you're missing out on so many things if you close your mind and never experience change. Visit a different culture and appreciate the differences, go to a new church, talk to someone of a different race/sexual orientation/social class. Don't make your world so small it can only fit what's comfortable. When we're comfortable, we don't grow.
It's always amazing to me how many people seem to have no idea how to function in this world. So, to help them out, I've put together a nice list of things you should know in order not to annoy me.
1. If it's labeled as "alternative medicine," it probably doesn't work. This includes aromatherapy, qigong and homeopathy. Alternative medicine is often based on outdated concepts that have only anecdotal success. Try your M.D. instead.
2. If it's a diet that seems to good to be true, it probably is. The only way to lose weight--and keep it off--is to watch your portions and to exercise. And, if you're doing the Atkins diet, please note that all that fatty protein you're ingesting may eventually give you a heart attack.
3. On an expressway, the shoulder is for emergencies only. I call the shoulder the "asshole lane" because in any traffic jam, you can tell who the idiots are because they're speeding by you in the asshole lane. Not only is this dangerous, because there could actually be a car stopped in the asshole lane, it's illegal and it raises the road rage level of everyone you're speeding past. This makes you responsible for all the violence that occurs on the highway. Nice job!
4. Communication with other cars is good while you're driving. It only makes sense to turn on your blinker if you're planning to make a left turn. And, it speeds things up because you're not delaying cars who aren't sure what you're doing yet. It's also one of the things truly good drivers do. Plus, it really isn't that difficult. You move the little stick down to signal left, and you move it up to signal right.
5. Keeping control of your children is a sign of good parenting. Don't let them chase the dogs, track mud all over the house or yell and scream at will. I understand perfectly that kids will be kids, but there are certain things you can do to make sure they don't grow up to be serial killers. And also, don't lose them at the park or leave them in your car while you work all day. Follow instructions posted at the zoo--they're up there for a reason. They're trying to keep kids from being torn apart by baboons. Don't show your stupidity.
6. Politeness is a lost art. Be nice to people already. Don't do it because you can get points with God if you do--just do it because it's good. Besides, you catch more flies with honey. Trust me. Being good has its own rewards.
7. Voting is good. I think it's sad that more people care about the "American Idol" results than the election results. I don't care what happens to those lame pop singers. I do care what happens to this country. The way we affect change is to vote. And so many people don't do it. It's so easy. And even if you don't think your vote counts--if you think this country is worth it, you should vote.
8. Keep your promises and honor your commitments. If you say you're going to do something, do it! People aren't going to trust you if you constantly renege on your commitments. Untrustworthy people suck. A sense of honor and integrity seems rare today, so try to cultivate it.
9. An open mind is a glorious thing. Don't be so rigid in your thinking that you can't accept new ideas. Learning is a life-long process; you're missing out on so many things if you close your mind and never experience change. Visit a different culture and appreciate the differences, go to a new church, talk to someone of a different race/sexual orientation/social class. Don't make your world so small it can only fit what's comfortable. When we're comfortable, we don't grow.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
The Gossip Trap
Okay, I admit it. I'm as fascinated by celebrities as anyone else. Maybe more so--I did go into entertainment journalism, after all. And I am always falling into the gossip trap. If you read my blog on Paris Hilton, you know this already. I assume she's a certain way because of all the things that have been written about her, and because of the way she presents herself. Which may or may not be real. I just heard yesterday that Hilary Duff was in Lake Forest the other night, and she went to a party where no one paid attention to her. Apparently, this made her quite huffy, and she was like, "I'm Lizzie McGuire!" Yes, I'm marginally hooked into the Lake Forest gossip chain. I love that stuff.
This doesn't mean I like celebrities, but that's a whole other story. In any case, I know perfectly well that most gossip is false. For my last magazine job I was forced to read Star on a weekly basis, so I not only knew the gossip, I could keep track of where a rumor started and what happened to it in the end. As a result of that little experiment, this is what I know about gossip: Don't believe it unless there's a legal record of it somewhere. Divorce papers filed by Nicole Kidman. A marriage licence applied for by Britney Spears. Something like that. If there isn't a legal document around, chances are it's not true. I'm still not sure about the time I visited a non-profit in L.A. and the head of the place told us heinous stories about the kids she was trying to help and Richard Gere...
Anyway, I know this. In my head. But, as a normal person, I can't help being interested in the excesses and the riches and the behavior of Hollywood royalty. I mean, this is a life I can't ever lead. I want to believe it, because it just confirms my Midwestern belief that celebrities, a strange and useless group of people, deserve our scorn and pity. And while I'm sure there are celebrities out there that I would like--including many of the ones I interviewed--I can make a generalization that they don't deserve their wealth.
Yes, there are actors and artists I truly and fervently respect. Julia Roberts, Kevin Costner, Jennifer Lopez, Tom Cruise and Liv Tyler are not among them. But as a whole, I like to look at celebrities and think, "They're human. And not particularly smart humans, either." The rumor mill gives me a way of doing this--because, let's face it, most gossip is not particularly favorable to the subject. I like that.
Because, if more celebrities were actually put off by the bad gossip about them, maybe fewer people would want to be celebrities. And our culture could maybe put its priorities in such order that more people would vote for the president in 2004 than for Clay Aiken on "American Idol." You've probably read in this blog that I despise reality TV. This is because it allows people to live out their dream of being celebrities (without actually having any real skills or talent). Since I find people who want to be celebrities boring and stupid, I therefore find people on reality shows boring and stupid. Why would I want to watch an entire series of a show with characters that I find boring and stupid?
So I fall into the gossip trap, and have a great time doing it. It's so much fun to know more about Christina Aguilera's hair than I do about the person who lives next door to me. It's exciting to feel like I understand these beautiful, larger-than-life people who live in my world, yet above it (according to the publicists, anyway). It's satisfying to think that Jennifer Aniston uses the very same lip gloss I do--it's like we're sisters, only I'm Chinese! Even if none of it is true. After all--let's face it--the celebrity characters that the gossip pages show us are probably more interesting than in real life.
Okay, I admit it. I'm as fascinated by celebrities as anyone else. Maybe more so--I did go into entertainment journalism, after all. And I am always falling into the gossip trap. If you read my blog on Paris Hilton, you know this already. I assume she's a certain way because of all the things that have been written about her, and because of the way she presents herself. Which may or may not be real. I just heard yesterday that Hilary Duff was in Lake Forest the other night, and she went to a party where no one paid attention to her. Apparently, this made her quite huffy, and she was like, "I'm Lizzie McGuire!" Yes, I'm marginally hooked into the Lake Forest gossip chain. I love that stuff.
This doesn't mean I like celebrities, but that's a whole other story. In any case, I know perfectly well that most gossip is false. For my last magazine job I was forced to read Star on a weekly basis, so I not only knew the gossip, I could keep track of where a rumor started and what happened to it in the end. As a result of that little experiment, this is what I know about gossip: Don't believe it unless there's a legal record of it somewhere. Divorce papers filed by Nicole Kidman. A marriage licence applied for by Britney Spears. Something like that. If there isn't a legal document around, chances are it's not true. I'm still not sure about the time I visited a non-profit in L.A. and the head of the place told us heinous stories about the kids she was trying to help and Richard Gere...
Anyway, I know this. In my head. But, as a normal person, I can't help being interested in the excesses and the riches and the behavior of Hollywood royalty. I mean, this is a life I can't ever lead. I want to believe it, because it just confirms my Midwestern belief that celebrities, a strange and useless group of people, deserve our scorn and pity. And while I'm sure there are celebrities out there that I would like--including many of the ones I interviewed--I can make a generalization that they don't deserve their wealth.
Yes, there are actors and artists I truly and fervently respect. Julia Roberts, Kevin Costner, Jennifer Lopez, Tom Cruise and Liv Tyler are not among them. But as a whole, I like to look at celebrities and think, "They're human. And not particularly smart humans, either." The rumor mill gives me a way of doing this--because, let's face it, most gossip is not particularly favorable to the subject. I like that.
Because, if more celebrities were actually put off by the bad gossip about them, maybe fewer people would want to be celebrities. And our culture could maybe put its priorities in such order that more people would vote for the president in 2004 than for Clay Aiken on "American Idol." You've probably read in this blog that I despise reality TV. This is because it allows people to live out their dream of being celebrities (without actually having any real skills or talent). Since I find people who want to be celebrities boring and stupid, I therefore find people on reality shows boring and stupid. Why would I want to watch an entire series of a show with characters that I find boring and stupid?
So I fall into the gossip trap, and have a great time doing it. It's so much fun to know more about Christina Aguilera's hair than I do about the person who lives next door to me. It's exciting to feel like I understand these beautiful, larger-than-life people who live in my world, yet above it (according to the publicists, anyway). It's satisfying to think that Jennifer Aniston uses the very same lip gloss I do--it's like we're sisters, only I'm Chinese! Even if none of it is true. After all--let's face it--the celebrity characters that the gossip pages show us are probably more interesting than in real life.
Monday, January 05, 2004
Helen's New Year Resolutions
I'm back, after a short vacation (sorry, couldn't figure out how to work, entertain Christmas/New Year's guests and family, finish Christmas shopping, keep the household running and write all at the same time). Here is my list, conscientiously crafted and pored over for days.
I RESOLVE...
1. To not be so offended every time I hear the name "Halliburton."
2. To not be so offended at the Atkins' diet, which so many people I know are trying in lieu of all common sense.
3. To not be so offended by my mother-in-law every time she refers to something I (or my family) do as a "freaky Chinese thing."
4. To be more offended by the events going on at Guantanamo Bay.
5. To not be so offended by today's crappy pop music/crappy pop music stars. I get way too worked up about how stupid J.Lo's hits are ("don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still Jenny from the block" my ass). Also I get way too annoyed by Madonna's stupid children's book ("don't hurt the beautiful people, my child").
6. To find a crossword puzzle that does not have the following words in it: TSAR, ERAS, ABACI, EON, SYNOD, EBB, NENE, a variation of ICING (ICES, ICER), AIR, EMBED, MA'AM or BEGAT. I'd also prefer one that doesn't have the names OSSIE, ALLIE, IVAN, ABEL or any references to really obscure nothing actresses from 20 years ago in it.
7. To be less offended by the Democrats so as to be able to choose one to run against George Dubya.
8. To be more offended by George Dubya so as to get involved with a campaign that could get him out of office.
9. To go out and get all those things I'm supposed to have in case of a terrorist attack. What are those again? Plastic sheeting and duct tape or something like that? What am I supposed to do with them exactly--other than let them take up space in my basement?
10. To put myself on the national don't-call list so that I don't have to lie to telemarketers all the time. Lying is a nasty, ugly habit. Once you start doing it you can't stop. Look at the president.
11. To eat less beef. I'm not afraid of Mad Cow disease, but I am afraid of this country's beef industry. Scary (shudder).
12. To drink less milk. Ha, take that, U.S. dairy industry. I'm onto your little tricks, trying to get me to drink milk even though I can digest calcium better from green vegetables, and even though I and millions of other Americans are lactose intolerant. I'm going to have spinach instead!
13. To drink more red wine. This just seems like a good thing to do.
14. To drink more tea. Coffee smells good, but it's bad for you and it stains your teeth and makes you want to pee. Coffee is gross and crass; tea is delicate and savory. 'Nuff said.
15. To not celebrate any holiday that isn't worth celebrating. For example--Sweetest Day. What's wrong with showing someone you appreciate them on Valentine's Day, or Christmas, or Halloween, or April 15, or August 21, or July 13, rather than falling prey to the greeting card industry on October whatever-it-is?
So that's my list. At the end of the year I'll report on how well I did. Assuming we're all still here...
I'm back, after a short vacation (sorry, couldn't figure out how to work, entertain Christmas/New Year's guests and family, finish Christmas shopping, keep the household running and write all at the same time). Here is my list, conscientiously crafted and pored over for days.
I RESOLVE...
1. To not be so offended every time I hear the name "Halliburton."
2. To not be so offended at the Atkins' diet, which so many people I know are trying in lieu of all common sense.
3. To not be so offended by my mother-in-law every time she refers to something I (or my family) do as a "freaky Chinese thing."
4. To be more offended by the events going on at Guantanamo Bay.
5. To not be so offended by today's crappy pop music/crappy pop music stars. I get way too worked up about how stupid J.Lo's hits are ("don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still Jenny from the block" my ass). Also I get way too annoyed by Madonna's stupid children's book ("don't hurt the beautiful people, my child").
6. To find a crossword puzzle that does not have the following words in it: TSAR, ERAS, ABACI, EON, SYNOD, EBB, NENE, a variation of ICING (ICES, ICER), AIR, EMBED, MA'AM or BEGAT. I'd also prefer one that doesn't have the names OSSIE, ALLIE, IVAN, ABEL or any references to really obscure nothing actresses from 20 years ago in it.
7. To be less offended by the Democrats so as to be able to choose one to run against George Dubya.
8. To be more offended by George Dubya so as to get involved with a campaign that could get him out of office.
9. To go out and get all those things I'm supposed to have in case of a terrorist attack. What are those again? Plastic sheeting and duct tape or something like that? What am I supposed to do with them exactly--other than let them take up space in my basement?
10. To put myself on the national don't-call list so that I don't have to lie to telemarketers all the time. Lying is a nasty, ugly habit. Once you start doing it you can't stop. Look at the president.
11. To eat less beef. I'm not afraid of Mad Cow disease, but I am afraid of this country's beef industry. Scary (shudder).
12. To drink less milk. Ha, take that, U.S. dairy industry. I'm onto your little tricks, trying to get me to drink milk even though I can digest calcium better from green vegetables, and even though I and millions of other Americans are lactose intolerant. I'm going to have spinach instead!
13. To drink more red wine. This just seems like a good thing to do.
14. To drink more tea. Coffee smells good, but it's bad for you and it stains your teeth and makes you want to pee. Coffee is gross and crass; tea is delicate and savory. 'Nuff said.
15. To not celebrate any holiday that isn't worth celebrating. For example--Sweetest Day. What's wrong with showing someone you appreciate them on Valentine's Day, or Christmas, or Halloween, or April 15, or August 21, or July 13, rather than falling prey to the greeting card industry on October whatever-it-is?
So that's my list. At the end of the year I'll report on how well I did. Assuming we're all still here...
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